The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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