I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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