i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
