Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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