Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Houston, we have a blender
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
