Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
