you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
