with your own penis?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
