I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
