i already hear my dad disowning me
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
