11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
