My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
