I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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