She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
