so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
