alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
