idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
