Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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