We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
