Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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