Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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