A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
