i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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