I'm going to rape someone's good day.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
