I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm really busy with my period
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