Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
