Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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