So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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