Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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