and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
