I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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