I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
