Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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