She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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