Apparently you make a good broom.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How external is "for external use only"?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
