I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
