rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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