You just made me feel so damn special
i may or may not be watching the land before time
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
