The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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