I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
