i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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