Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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