On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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