I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
