I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
