What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
