Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
