I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
