we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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