Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
