I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
