I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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