Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
