Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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